June 6, 2010 - 8:53 PM
I can't believe I've been writing for a whole academic year. So much has changed and is continuing to change even as I type. I am thinking back across my blogs and am haunted by my discussions about my faith and really believing that God will give me a baby right now. . . I talked about my certainty of being pregnant and sharing that experience with you all before I was done with blogging. I've shifted in my understanding since my overly ambitious writing and want to share a bit with you about where I am now with my desire to have a baby and my faith that God will move in my life to make that happen for me.
Just as a refresher, I've wanted to have a baby for a very long time now it seems. I've wanted a baby badly and my desire has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Then God started talking to me about having a son. He talked with my husband and with strangers even who came up to us and said a familiar line in my life. . . "I don't know why I'm telling you this but I feel God is telling me to share with you that . . .". Time and time again we heard "you are going to have a son". Oh I was, and am, so very excited about this!
But I made a mistake. I took that message in my heart and thought that in order to have faith I needed to speak it out and almost prove that I believed it. I wanted a baby so badly I didn't stop and think or ask if this was how I was supposed to handle the situation. Instead I plowed ahead and waited believing (more like trying to force) I'd be pregnant. Every month I waited and every month was more and more crushed when I wasn't. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had a heart to hart with God. This is the point when I recognized my mistake and stopped my ignorant pressing and asked God how to press Him the way He wanted me to.
So the result of this readjustment is a stronger faith, one that is rooted in peace and a trust that God will be faithful simply because it's His nature and not because of any display of faith on my part. I look at the timing and all of the stresses of this past term, the changes in my life and in my family and I am glad that I didn't get my way when I wanted it. Of course I would have been nothing but pleased, but one thing I know is God's timing has always been perfect in my life and I don't want to impose my impatience and mess anything up for myself.
This may be a strange blog for some of you but I did want to be sure to set the record straight as I wrap up my time with you all. Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me.